im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.