oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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