my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
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My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
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I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant