Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!