Don't make out with my wife yet
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
