my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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