the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
