i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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