dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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