I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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