Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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