ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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