Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
