Soap is not a condiment
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
