I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
