did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
