The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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