She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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