my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
