textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.