If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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