There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills