My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
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