I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
