I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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