i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
