I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
