I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My cat gives me a boner
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I use my feet as sexual weapons
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
