So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
