and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
