This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
