I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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