You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Tornado booty call.. dedication
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
