I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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