best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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