Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
