Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Randomize
