New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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