i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
