I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
