Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
