Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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