On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up