the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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