he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
