I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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