I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
