i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
