I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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