Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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