I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
