i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
