Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i came on her dog
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
