Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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