I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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