she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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