I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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