I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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