Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
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