someone threw a dead crab at me
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
