a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
