The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
