Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
