So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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