I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
