There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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